The Beginning

Every day, 97 things happen that I am sure someone would get a good laugh at. I may or may not be laughing at them. I had three adorable, manageable kids, then I had Brock, who is now the cutest, most loving 3 year old in the world, at select moments. Brock has a little brother named Blake, in the BTP, (Brockstar Training Program). I am 34 years old, have been married for 13 years, have 5 kids and sing now and then. I like to create, NOT COOK or CLEAN, which is turning out to be a great challenge since I am in charge of a house with 7 PEOPLE! I do love the people, though. Here for you all to laugh at me and with me, is a record of my funny life, the mistakes I make, and the lessons I learn while trying to earn, MY BIG GIRL PANTS.

The Brock Letters - It's not Funny

Letter of Resignation - Warning, Graphic Mental Images  Monday, May 16, 2011
Dear Brock,
There is a really good chance one of us is not going to make it today. Can you tell me what could be so much fun about poo that you felt like you needed to take the Witch skiing in it? And why you wanted to walk through it and track it all over the deck? Can you tell me what the motivation was behind the poo frosting you put on the two airports and jumbo plane?

When I put you in the tub, I had to scrape it out of your toe nails. Blake was carrying a felt horse when you both came in, I just threw away. Then I had to put him in the tub with you because your poop was all over his hands and on his face. It is just more than I can take.

I got you out, and went to clean the deck. It wasn't as bad as I expected, until you showed me where the actual scene of the crime was. It was caked in the deep wood grain, smashed between the planks, and wiped on the screen door. After the scrubbing, I was on my way back inside and noticed you also got the big window, again. I just don't understand. Is it art?

Also, did you HAVE to give Radar the Dog a lotion bath today? Why? Why would you do that?

As if this wasn't enough, you ran all the way down to the turtles, twice. One time you took Blake, one time you were completely naked. The weenie bird is going to get you if you are not careful. I am tired of hiking down after you Brock, therefore, I am giving my notice.

I quit as the poop checker and the turtle toddler retriever. You are going to have to find someone else.  I'm staying on as your mom, that is my favorite job EVER, but I am am rewriting my job description.

Ironically, during your 3 prayers at dinner tonight, you said, "Bless that mom and daddy won't run away," "Bless that mom and dad be nice," and "Bless that we'll have a good time." Heavenly Father hears you Brock, you are definitely having a good time.

Your Tired Mother

PS. On a good note, thanks for the big smiles, being the happiest guy ever and telling me you "love me more." You are a good boy.

Poo: A Word I Would NEVER Say Before I Had Kids - May 2011
"Mom! Mom! Mahhhhhhhhm!" (Yelling, finally he slaps my leg)
"Brock! Don't hit me! That hurts!"(Angry Eyes by me)
"Mom! Go get in you bed! I want to hold you and you tho comfortable! I want to thnuggle you! My tummy is tho thleepy and I want to take a nap!"
Well, I'm not going to walk away from an opportunity like that, so I take something  to the office and make my way back to my room where Brock is standing with his arms and legs apart blocking the entrance to the living room, hurding me like a cow into my room.
"Go, Go! I want to take a nap!"
So here we are, Thnuggling.

Blake graduated to level 3 of the Brockstar Training Program this month. I found him, alone, on my kitchen counter naked. I had just gotten him out of the tub, he had pooped on the counter, and was cutting it up with my knives.

He has an obsession with markers right now.  Some how, he keeps finding them. Today, his face and hands are Oompa Loompa orange. Two nights ago he realized he could climb out of his crib. The world as I know it is about to start spinning faster, I'm afraid. We let him hang in the room and whine for until he fell asleep. When we checked on him in the morning, he had found a blue marker. This is what happens:

Trevor just came in to my Thnuggling party and said, "Mom, did you know Brock smeared poo on the window?" No, I did not know that. Unfortunately, I just washed ALL the windows two days ago and it's only an annual event.

by Brock

K Folks. We're gonna have a quick "How To" session here on Fencing: While Your Mom is Home.  In just three easy steps, you can be flinging swords at another child in no time.

Step 1 - Choose the Right Time: The first and most important step is to find the right opportunity when  the Mom is distracted and there is another child around to impale. Laundry and cleaning are good options, but the best time for sword fighting is when mom is really wrapped up in a project, like painting a room or writing music. A good fencer will study his or her mom's habits to find what she loves to do, and will therefore be the most distracted.

Step 2 - Obtaining Swords: This step has to be done quickly and quietly. If you are able to potty on the big boy, you are too big to fight with plastic swords, butter knives or sticks which are easy to get and for 1 year olds. This lesson is for the serious Fencer, who is ready for serrated metal blades. To begin, place a chair next to where your mom thinks she has hid her knife block. Placing the chair must be done earlier in the day so she doesn't hear the chair slide across the floor when you are ready to fight. You MUST avoid the temptation to climb on it right then. She will see you, take you off, and return the chair to the table. When a golden opportunity arises, climb quickly, open the cupboard and pull all the knives out. Set them on the counter, pick out FOUR of the biggest, most dangerous knives. I prefer CUTCO brand. They are guaranteed to be sharp enough to cut an aluminum can. Climb back down, leave the noisy chair where it is. Hand two knives to your little brother, or whomever you intend to play with, and take two for yourself.

Step 3 - Fight Quietly: If your little brother is a big baby, this is difficult. Try to find a playmate that doesn't cry every time he gets stabbed, but take whoever you can get, because anyone is better than no one. With a "sword" in each hand, begin swinging blades. The longer you hit blades instead of each other, the longer you can get away with this game. If your  opponent gets hit and starts to cry, you have to hurry and put your arm around him and talk to him in a baby voice so he will stop. I say "Bwakey, it'th ok. Thee? It tho funny, BONK!" Then I bonk my head with my fist and waddle it side to side until he laughs, then we start back fighting. 

Well, there you have it friends. Good luck and don't forget to have fun! Join me next time when I share the Secrets of My Escape, a comprehensive "How To" guide for anyone wanting to get in a locked door, out a locked door, out a locked window or through a door with a child safety handle on it. Until then, this is Brock the Rock saying, Don't Fence Me In.

Onion Salt, Knives, Trampolines and Hammers  - November 10, 2010
Dearest Brock,
I was wondering if today you could dump out legos, instead of onion salt. I was also wondering if you could color with crayons on paper instead of using an industrial sharpie on Blake. I love you so much, either way.
Love, Mom

Dear Mom,
lets compromise. I'll give the onion salt a rest, Since dad just put the repaired trampoline mat back on, I'll throw a hammer and tear a hole in it. Also, I will only use a black crayola marker, but I'm still going to color on Blake and the walls and windows. I love you so much. 

PS. If you are looking for us, we are having a sword fight with the Cutco knives on the counter. I love those knives.

THO THAD!- November 19, 2010
"Dear mom, these are my plans for today. If the door isn't shut all the way, I'll take a 7:30am hike to 'Weezes' and get a fudgesicle and some other stuff. I'll be "tho thad" (so sad) so she'll give me a lot. Then I'm putting on your make-up and giving Blake a new hair cut, I think it's ugly. He should hold still so I don't stab him in the eye. Plus I might do some other stuff. Love Brock"

The Mayor's Haircut - December 8, 2010
"Hey ma. 'member that mayor on the Grinch? I want that haircut. Then I'm going to stab the leather ottoman again. I'll give Blakey a knife too and if his conscience tries to stop him, I'll say, "Do it Bwakey! Do it!", cause sometime that guy needs a little encouragement."

A Letter From Aunt Lena - December 28, 2010

Dear Brock, Aunt Lena loves you so much! and I want to thank you for all the sweet reminders you left for me. Like the soda you dumped on us while we were bonding, every time I step on my sticky wood floors-I think of your smile. Or the crooked ottoman, you thought the roller was a cool unicycle toy and just wanted to play w/ it. My ...favorite though was when I went to fix cousin Ammon's snowboarding pants and blamed the material they were made out of for the fact that all the thread would bind up in the sewing machine, after I hand stitched them I realized that a small little fella had changed all the settings on it. That is love my little man! and I want to thank you for loving me so much that you didn't want your Mom to have all the fun. I wouldn't trade you for the world-you make me smile!! I love you.
Aunt Lena

Dear Aunt Lena,
You are welcome.

Conversations January 7, 2011
It went like this....Mom: "Brocky, we don't hit people with hammers......"

And then it went like this...Brock: "Bwakey? You want to pway, Bwakey? Come here..... then you open it.......(the dryer) and you SHUT IT!"

Fortunately for Blake, he can now sense danger, and went the other way.

FISHIN' - January 9, 2011
Dear Mom,
Bwakey and me is goin' fishin today. I got this net and if I put that pod thing your phone charger plugs into the wall with, inside the net, then I put them in the toilet, I can catch whatever is in there! If you come in and your floor is covered in toilet water, that's why. I can also catch Blake by head with the toilet net... and he loves that game! Off to another adventure!
Brocker Rocker

"MOM! MOM! Did you know if you get a giant tub of butter and smear it all over the floor, it turns the kitchen into an ICE SKATING RINK! I LUB DAT!

So, later, I'm gonna skate on over to Weeze's house and sneak in her basement door with Bwakey. We're gonna play with some toys and the cat and possibly the cat litter. If you need to get ahold of me, just call. I'll pick up. If you then decide you need to come over and the cars are home and Weeze's bedroom door is shut and you hear the shower on, we should probably get out a there real quick, since she doesn't know we are all rockin' her house. But just ring me before you come, I'll let you know.

Peace. Love. Brock."

I Need a Fence!  February 9, 2011
Dear Mom,

GO INTHIDE! You ruin evwyfing! I'n gonna fwow thith wock at you on the deck. Deeth Cowboy boot-th (translation: these cowboy boots) are made for walkin to the Dorde'th (George's) backyard and petting the turtles! I mean, me and Bwakey are going to play on thith dirt hill, just out-thide the yard, so GO INTHIDE! NOW!

Why you thay "DON'T HIT BWAKE WIF A HOE?" I just diggin' the dirt on thith hill! K? K, Mom. Go inthide.........Mom. Did you talk to Weeze? Cuz when I just ran over there, thee thaid I had to go home, and thee didn't give me 3 popthiclth.

You make me tho mad today. I'n gonna puth you down, mom......... Then I will kith you fathe (kiss your face). And you hand. And hug you around your neck while we butterfly kith with our fathes swished together for a long time.

You my favowit, mom.


Scissors, Apple Juice and Tupperware. Are You Serious Right Now? February 23, 2011
So, Mom.
I need to talk to you for a minute. First of all, don't get mad because I peed in the tupperware bowl in Trevor's room. I didn't want to walk to the bathroom and I didn't want a spankin', so that was my only other option. Now, don't get mad again, but I was in Rilee's room and noticed my hair was getting a little shaggy. It's like, a half inch long since you shaved it after I shaved it. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but me and Bwakey decided that I am better at cutting hair than you are. So I did a little work on both of us again. It's like the 9th time, so I'm gettin' pretty good. We bonded. So much, that we went to the kitchen and dumped the giant apple juice bottle out on the floor. Nope, we couldn't wait for help. We just shared a puddle of that delicious beverage. Both of us. On our bellies. Doin' the breast stroke. Slurpin' it right off the wood floor. It is so good that way.

I hope you still love me.

A Day in the Life - February 25, 2011

The day started out with more agreeability than I knew what to do with:
Mom - "Brock, Do you want a bagel?"
Brock - "Whas this bagel? I ne'r had bagel before."
Mom - "Yes you have. You love bagels!"
Brock - (Still not actually seeing what the bagel was), "Oh! I lub that bagel! I lub it! (Slurp Slurp) Is so yummy yummy in my tummey!"

Then it started to turn a little:
Mom - "Brock, let's take off that yucky diaper.
Brock - "No! No! ...........Awe-wight........Awewight! It here. It right here by dis bum. By DIS bum." (Pulls jams down to his knees and pulls his soggy diaper off by the Velcro tab, then he CHUCKS it at me.)
"Here you go!"

And it kept turning..........
He fell asleep laying next to me and across my chest in my arms. Then he went to the bathroom. Except he didn't actually go anywhere. And I was kinda hopin' not to get peed on today.

Then the day ended with a surprise!
While I was cleaning the kitchen, there was magic! Brock and Blake were playing merrily downstairs FOREVER! No one was fighting and they didn't want anything for like an hour! I got so much done. I was thinking, "Finally! After three years of ..... it is starting to get easier!" I honestly thought that! Why? What world did I think I lived in?