A “Pirate Camp” Carol By Whitney Permann (Pirate adaption by Loni Stookey)
Younger Gunpowder Gertie-Melanie
Bonnie Beehive the Cratchitt -Tiffney
Older Bonnie Beehive the Cratchitt-Tiffney
Ugly Pants Azriel -Lisa
Smokin’ Jailbird Julia-Angela
Leapin’ Liza Daggar-Mickel
One Eared Sally -Emily H
Pillaging Peggy-Emily G.
Pillager of the Outhouse-Loni (Used a strong lisp)
The Ghost of Pirate Camps Past - Kathy
The Ghost of Pirate Camp Present -Loni
The Ghost of Pirate Camps Yet to Come-Lisa
sticks for the campers
two graham crackers (a s’more) for Bobby
a small clothespin and a plunger for the Pillage of the Outhouse, toilet paper hanging from her pants
funny clothes form the past for the Ghost of Girls Camps Past
a white sheet with a giant bow pinned on top for the Ghost of Pirate Camp Present
Head lamp and long dark robe or sheet for the Ghost of Pirate Camps Yet to Come
sleeping bag for Gunpowder Gertie
bag or box for Bonnie
lawn chair for Older Bonnie
“Pirate Camp—4 Years Earlier”
“Pirate Camp—Earlier Today”
“Pirate Camp—4 Years from Now”
“Younger Gertie”—worn by the younger Gertie
“Older Bonnie”—worn by Bonnie
(Pirate Campers and Bonnie are roasting marshmallows around a campfire. Gunpowder Gertie is a few feet away, back turned to them, arms crossed. They are all frozen in place.)
Narrator: Perhaps you remember a familiar story written by Charles Dickens called, “A Christmas Carol.” But you probably did NOT know that Mr. Dickens based his book on a lesser- known tale, called, “A Pirate Camp Carol.” We would like to share that tale with you today. Let us begin by meeting Gunpowder Gertie. As you can see, poor Gunpowder is not enjoying Pirate camp. But as with each of us, Gunpowder Gertie must learn that there is more to Pirate Camp than she thought ...
(Narrator snaps and exits; girls on stage unfreeze. Girls around campfire are roasting marshmallows and singing “I Love the Mountains” (or another camp song). Gunpowder Gertie turns around, rolls her eyes and approaches the fire. Leapin’ Liza Daggar (Mickel) notices her and stands up.)
Leapin’ Liza Daggar (Mickel): Ahoy, Gunpowder Gertie! Come join us!
Gunpowder: Look, I don’t usually sit on logs, but my legs are killing me after that horrible hike today. And no cheesy singing, got it?
(Gunpowder points to Bonnie Beehive the Cratchitt, she wants her seat.)
Gunpowder Gertie: Hey, move it, you little Deck-swabber!
Bonnie Beehive (Tiff): (very timidly) Um, my name’s Bonnie Beehive the Cratchitt...
Gunpowder Gertie: Alright, then, move it, Bonnie Beehive the Cratchitt!
(Bonnie squeaks nervously and quickly scrambles off of her seat and sits on the ground. Gunpowder takes her seat. Gunpowder starts coughing.)
Gunpowder: Ahh, I curse this smoke! (she coughs some more) Blimey! I hate camping. (she starts slapping her arms) Argh! Why am I the only pirate being bitten? Shiver me timbers and blast me cannons! (she now starts scratching all over)
Leapin’ Liza Daggar (Mickel): Gunpowder Gertie, aren’t you having a fun time at all?
Gunpowder: No. As a matter of fact, I’m not. (she coughs again, then holds up her thumbs and looks at them in horror—they are twitching)
Gunpowder: (panicked) Someone help me! Someone help me! My thumbs are twitching and I can’t stop them! Help me! Help me!
(The girls jump up and gather around her—make sure the audience can still see Gunpowder)
Smokin’Jailbird Julia (Angela): “Blast the Billows! I’ve seen this before! She is suffering from Texting Withdrawals!! (wait for audience to laugh) Does any pirate have a cell phone?
Blackcheered (Taryn): What are ye saying Smokin’ Jailbird Julia?!! Of course we have not dared to stowaway a Nokia, a Sumsung Android or a 4th Generation iphone with Facetime! Cell phones aren’t allowed at camp, remember?
One-Eared Sally (Emily H.): Oh, that’s right, Blackcheered! What shall we do?
Pillaging Peggy (Emily G.): I, Pillaging Peggy, have an idea! Does anyone have something the size of a cell phone? Like a calculator, or a channel changer, or an Ipod?!?
Bonnie Beehive: I have something! My s’more is the size of a cell phone!
Leapin’ Liza Daggar (Mickell): Good thinking Bonnie! Quick! Bring it here! (Bonnie hands it to Gunpowder Gertie)
Bonnie: Okay, Gertie, just hold this s’more and put your thumbs on it. Maybe they will relax and stop twitching!
Gunpowder: That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard of! Ahh, oh yah, that feels better! Wait a minute, EWWW! It’s melting all over the tar under my fingernails, I worked hard to put that there! You pirates just don’t understand! I’m going to bed!
One-Eared Sally (Emily H.): Would you consider staying up for 4 more hours and singing 6,002 rounds of “Alice the Camel?”
Gunpowder Gertie: Aye, right after I walk the plank! Right after I drink coffee! And right after I bake ye funeral potatoes! GOOD NIGHT!!!!
(Gunpowder stomps over to a sleeping bag and gets inside; the other girls leave the stage. Gunpowder begins to snore loudly.The Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse comes onstage with a clothespin on her nose and a plunger in her hand.)
Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse: (In a spooky voice)Guuunnnpowwwwder Gerrrtiiiie. Guuunnnpowwwwder Gerrrtiiiie! (Gunpowder continues to snore loudly. The ghost kicks her. And then says in an annoyed voice) Hey!! Gertie!! (She sits up.)
Gunpowder: Who are YOU?
Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse: I am the Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse, and I bring a warning. If ye do not change yer ways at pirate camp and stop doing naughty no no’s, ye will suffer a horrible fate! Ye will wander around pirate camps forever, invisible, forced to clean the outhouses...to infinity and BEYOND! (she says it like Buzz Lightyear) Three spirits will come to you tonight, offering your only chance at changing your ways!!!
(Frightened, Gunpowder Gertie pulls her covers up so only her eyes are showing. The Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse exits, Quickly changing into The Ghost of Pirate Camps Past, who enters. The Pirate of Girls Camps Past is dressed in funny clothes from the past—70’s or 80’s, etc.)
Gunpowder: Who are YE?
The Ghost of Pirate Camps Past: I am The Ghost of Pirate Camps Past. Let’s watch yer at your very first pirate camp.
(The Ghost leads the audience in “The Twilight Zone” intro--Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo!, —and they all move their hands back and forth as if cleaning a window. This indicates that time is changing. (While they do this, Mel fills bag with pillows and slips out to put on “Younger Gunpowder Gertie” sign and something that makes her look like a beehive.) Do this as Young Gunpowder and Ugly Pants Azriel (Kathy) enter. A SIGN is carried across the stage that says: “Pirate Camp – 4 Years Earlier”)
Young Gunpowder: (acting like a beehive) Oh, Ugly Pants Azriel! I am so excited to be at girls camp! But I’m SO SO SO nervous!!
Ugly Pants Azriel (Kathy): Don’t worry, Gunpowder Gertie! Come over here by me, an experienced 5th year! We are all bestie-best shipmates here! Every pirate will make you feel at home, help ye if you are lonely, and show ye how to hunt for the captains’ chocolate stash. We are all here for ye!
Young Gunpowder Gertie: What if the older pirates don’t like me?
Ugly Pants Azriel: We are not like that here, Younger Gunpowder Gertie. We love each other and you are important to us. Here, I made you a s’more. Please sit on my expensive goose down pillow close to the fire and get warm, and let me braid your hair into 85 thousand braids while we all sing songs.
(The Ghost leads the audience in “The Twilight Zone” intro again with window-washing hands, as Young Gunpowder Gertie, Ugly Pants Azriel, and The Ghost of Pirate Camps Past exit. Ghost changes quickly, half on/off stage for funny. The Ghost of Pirate Camp Present enters. This ghost is dressed in regular camping clothes and has a headlamp strapped to her forehead.)
Ghost of Pirate Camp Present: I am The Ghost of Pirate Camp Present. Watch what ye fellow campin’ crew had to say about ye today.
(The Ghost leads the audience in “The Twilight Zone” intro as Bonnie Beehive and the campers enter. A SIGN is carried across the stage that says: Pirate Camp – Earlier Today. The campers begin to talk to each other, like Valley Girls):
One Eared Sally (Emily H.): I feel bad that, like, Gunpowder Gertie doesn’t seem to, like, be having, like, fun at Pirate camp!
Pillaging Peggy (Emily G): Totally, I know! She totally rolls her eyes and won’t talk to me. She totally won’t help cook the meals. She totally is mean to the other girls. And she totally barked at me today, saying that I always say the word, “totally.” That is so totally dumb.
Smokin’ Jailbird Julia (Angela): For sure, right? This morning she was blaming ME for snoring like a pregnant hippopotamus in the night! And it wasn’t me! It was Blackcheered!
Blackcheered (Taryn): Was not, Smokin’ Jailbird Julia!
Smokin’ Jailbird Julia: Was too, Blackcheered!
BlackCheered (Taryn): Was not!
Smokin’ Jailbird Julia: Was too!
Leapin Liza Daggar: (talk like a pirate) NOW look what we’re doing!We’re acting like a bunch of seagulls fighting over One Eared Sally’s other ear! We’re acting as grumpy as a two-headed cat-fish!
Bonnie: Maybe all Gunpowder Gertie needs is a friend! Maybe if we’re super duper nice to her, she’ll enjoy Pirate Camp more.
(Ghost of Pirate Camp Present leads the audience in “The Twilight Zone” intro (with hands) and she and the campers exit. The Ghost of Pirate Camps Yet to Come enters, dressed in a long black robe (or dark sheet). You never see her face.)
Gunpowder Gertie: Who are YOU?
The Ghost of Pirate Camps Yet to Come: I am The Ghost of Pirate Camps Yet to Come. Watch what will happen to Bonnie Beehive the Cratchitt, that little Beehive Pirate that you have been a bad example to, and whom you have treated so poorly. Watch what will happen if you do not change your ways!
(The Ghost leads the audience in “The Twilight Zone” intro as Older Bonnie and the campers enter. Bonnie wears a sign that says,” Older Bonnie”. She is wearing biking boots, wild hair, chains, tattoos, spike collar, leather jacket, etc. A SIGN is carried across the stage that says: Girls Camp – 4 Years From Now. One-Eared Sally (Emily H.) scurries in with a lawn chair and sets it down for Bonnie. Bonnie sits and One-Eared Sally (Emily H.) proceeds to fan Bonnie’s face with a piece of paper.)
Older Bonnie: YO! Jailbird Julia! Bring me my tin foil dinner and make it snappy or you’ll sleep with the fish tonight! (Jailbird Julia (Angela) runs to do what she says) YO! Pillaging Peggy! Bring me a s’more and it better not be burnt, you little toad! (Pillaging Peggy (Emily G.) runs to do what she says) YO! Leapin’ Liza! Give me your expensive goose down pillow so I can sit comfortably by the fire--or else! (Leapin’Liza (Mickel) runs to do what she says) Yo! Blackcheered! (Taryn) Get over here and clip my toenails! (Blackcheered comes in with clippers, sits by her feet, looks at them and starts to gag and dry-heave)
(The Ghost leads the audience in “The Twilight Zone” intro, with hands. Campers and the Ghost exit.)
Gunpowder Gertie: (in a panic) Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse! Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse! Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse, where are you!!??
Pirate Pillager of the Outhouse: (from offstage) Hang on, you scurvy seadog! There's somethin' shifty going on out here! So I’m plunging! (enters) What do you want?
Gunpowder Gertie: I’ve been so wrong! I remember how nice the pirate were to me when I was a first year! And I’m sorry I caused contention in my camp! And I don’t want Bonnie Beehive the Cratchitt to turn out like a scurvy-dog! And I DON’T want to clean the outhouse...to Infinity and Beyond !!!! (she says it like Buzz LIghtyear) Can I please have another chance?
Pillager: Will ye sing 6,003 rounds of “Alice, the Camel” tomorrow night?
Gunpowder Gertie: Aye, I promise! I promise!
Pillager: Will ye confess that YE are the one snoring like a pregnant hippopotamus?
Gunpowder Gertie: Aye, I promise! I promise!
Pillager: Will ye accept the calling as camp director when ye are an old lady?
Gunpowder Gertie: Yes, I promise! I promise! I’ll change my ways! I’m sorry!
Pillager of the Outhouse: Alright. Just remember, Gertie, “If you keep your face to the sunshine, you cannot see the shadows.”
Gunpowder Gertie: OK, I understand, I’ll—
Pillager of the Outhouse: (he interrupts her) AND, “As you think, so shall you be.”
Gunpowder Gertie: Yes, I know, I’ll—
Pillager of the Outhouse: (he interrupts her) AND!! “Attitude is everything, so pick a good one!”
Gunpowder Gertie: (really annoyed by this point): OK, OK!! I GOT IT!!
(The ghost bows and leaves. Gertie runs back to sleeping bag, starts to snore. A rooster crows off stage and the campers and Bonnie enter, bonnie is carrying a random something, stretching, yawning, and rubbing their eyes. Gunpowder jumps out of her sleeping bag and approaches them.)
Gunpowder Gertie: (Acting like a Beehive again) Good morning everyone! Did ye all sleep well?
Leapin’ Liza (Mickel): Um...good morning Gunpowder! Are ye ok? Ye look...different!
Gunpowder Gertie: Oh, I’m better than ok! I’m great! Isn’t Pirate Camp the best? Here. Let me take that from ye, Bonnie. Hey, lets go check out the poop deck! (she grabs a bag or a box or something that Bonnie is holding and puts her other arm around her).
Smokin’ Jailbird Julia (Angela): Why the change, Gunpowder?
Gunpowder Gertie: Well, a wise old pillager once taught me that outhouses are everything....so I’d better pick a good one!